A few things I don't really get about Skyrim

Skyrim is a weird place, full or inconsistencies like the culturally xenophobic but extremely trusting beggars who wonder around with golden necklaces in their pockets. Am I missing something? or do these things just not make any sense?

I bet there are Bandits round here somewhere!

I've never met you before but...

'Oh hello stranger. I have never met you before but did you know that I am stealing from my boss. That's right, the ruthless business woman who controls most of this city and has connections with the Thieves guild. You know the one, the nasty one who has her competition eliminated, if you know what I mean. Yeah her! Well I'm stealing from her, and then selling the mead I steal for cheap. Great isn't it! I've got a great idea, how about you (who until this moment I have never met and who seems to be dressed in the shrouds of the dark brotherhood which makes you eminently trustworthy) take one of my barrels of mead to a nearby village. Will you do that? Thanks, that's great. Oh and please don't tell on me now will you. What am I saying? Of course you won't, I am a criminal mastermind and you, well you have the loyalty formed over an extremely long thirty three second friendship. Bonds like that are not easily broken. Hey, nice dagger, what are you going to do with...'

I've adopted some polar bears... so this is okay.

Greenpeace(ish)

I must have killed the entire Wolf population of Skyrim twice over. So where the hell are they coming from? In my hundred odd hours I have committed what would be considered genocide in human populations. Somewhere in the Skyrim branch of the WWF there is a picture of me riddled with darts. I imagine them trying to conserve the species, transplanting them in the frozen north from far off lands as a desperate attempt to stimulate growth in the population and I just keep gutting them with arrows for target practise. Soon they'll be sending Pandas after me.

I am sneaky because I can bend my legs.

Everyone in Skyrim suffers from a peculiar condition where they are blind below four feet. Counter vision ill call it. To recreate the effect hold a piece of paper over your eyes so the lower half of your vision is obscured. Then have a friend slightly crouch in front of you and you will understand how slightly bending your knees in Skyrim hides you completely from vision. It is related to Snow Blindness I think! I don't care how sneaky you are, bending down slightly in broad daylight wouldn't hide you from a mole.

How can you not see me?!? I am literally right in front of you.

I like your amulet, will you marry me?

Nords are simple creatures. Happiness in matrimony being secured simply by bling. When Nords see a shiny necklace that means one thing, this person is available and therefore marriage material. It doesn't matter whether you are the victim of maximum face with mutton chop sideburns and a balding pate, or possess the god like features of Talos himself, your chances of finding a beautiful partner are equally likely. As long as you are willing to complete a simple task and have some neck furniture then you're in. If only real life was so simple...

One of the hard working Bandits of Skyrim! Apparently they
have an ultra aggressive union too.

Fifty Shades of Bandit...

Has anyone else noticed that the main occupation in Skyrim seems to be Banditry. Think of all the cities, the small towns, the occasional shack or wandering hunter. Now think of the Bandits, they are everywhere. I think if you take away the guards there must be at least as many bandits as there are hard working law abiding citizens, like my Assassin. I think it is down to the Predatory/Prey Cycle. Over time the number of Prey, lets say rabbits, increases. As they increase in numbers the predator species, in this case wolves, increases too as the abundant food means that more of their young are surviving into adulthood. With the increased numbers of wolves the rabbit numbers start to drop as more are eaten. This eventually creates more competition for food and so Wolf numbers drop too as less young mature to adulthood. This allows the prey numbers to increase again and so the cycle goes on! This is what has happened in Skyrim. Bandit numbers have grown because of increased opportunities, but now the swell in numbers has made the competition fierce so they will start to die off as I slowly clear every dungeon in the game. So what this really means is, I'm a conservationist. I'm sticking up for the little people by sticking sharp stuff up people. There's  poetry in that!

[By the way I know Skyrim's been out for a long time but I'm not what you would call, on the pulse!]