10 Things I Hate About PC Gaming

I love it, I have always loved it, from a very early age. To me it is the pinnacle platform for gaming. But I hate it, oh god I hate it so much! Here are my top ten things I hate about PC Gaming.

10 Day 0 Patches

This is more about games being released when they are not finished rather than just Day 0 patches. It is not something exclusive to the PC either but it is incredibly annoying. Day 0 patches were more infuriating back before the age of digital distribution, at least now the update is automatically downloaded when you first install the game. Previously you had to search for the bloody thing online before you started playing if you even knew the patch existed. It seems to me that it isn't as bad as it used to be, whether because the quality of game production is rising or because of the ease of digital distribution masks the launch bugs of some games, I'm not sure. Maybe it's still as crap as it used to be but I'm just older and more tolerant than I used to be, but I'm pretty sure that isn't the case as I am rapidly turning into a premature grumpy old man. There are two excellent examples of incomplete games at launch which were littered with bugs and occasionally unplayable. The first is Battlefield 3. Some people had ridiculous trouble just trying to get into a game and suffered frequent disconnects when they did. For a triple A title from the biggest publisher in the world, that just isn't acceptable and even now after months of patches, it still isn't working smoothly for everyone. But the best example of the how annoying unfinished games can be was Elemental: War of Magic. Ahhh Stardock, your commitment to gamers and your well deserved reputation was squandered in one hasty release. What made this terribly premature release all the more ironic was that it came from the company that authored the 'Gamer's Bill of Rights,' which stated that 'gamers shall have the right to demand that games be released in a finished state'. Oops, kinda balls that one up a bit.

Elemental...ish

9Multiplayer Cheaters

I don't understand, how is cheating satisfying? Cheating does not make you good at games, you just ruin my game! I've never really understood what the temptation is. I am crap at games, I fully admit it and my rambling posts demonstrate my lack of skill, but there has never been a point where I have been tempted to cheat in a multiplayer game. Because of cheaters we end up with anti-cheat software and suspicious players and mods banning people, some of whom will simply be really good. I want to know when I play a multiplayer that I was beaten by someone better, I can cope with that, not that I was potentially beaten by someone who can download an install a file and who enjoys undeserved success.

8 Graphics Card names

I have some money in my pocket, and I want to buy a new graphics card. Should I get the AMDFGHE 1758hd-balls-whatsit? or the Geforcitility 560 fx - gt - ti - extremely - ultra - supernova - sloth? The other week I spent an hour explaining to my brother why I thought he should get an AMD 7850 over the Geforce 560ti. I used to try and keep up with Graphics Card releases and the related specs and benchmarks, but now I don't bother. Instead, when I have the money I do the research and catch up with the latest tech. But I am an experienced PC Gamer, for anyone new to the hobby it could be fairly daunting when something as simple as two extra letters at the end of a card classification can make a huge difference to the quality of the product. It will never happen, but I just want card names that make logical sense.

7 The new game that does not work, but only on your computer

You buy a game, rush home, remove the wrapping, put the disk in the machine, begin the installation. When finally the game has installed, you go to launch it and... it crashes to desktop. You try again... it crashes to desktop. You update your video drivers... it crashes to desktop. You google a work around, change the compatibility mode, turn off your anti-virus, fiddle with the .ini file, invoke a animal sacrifice and... it crashes to desktop. *sigh* It seems it is rarer than it used to be, but still infuriating when it happens!

6 Random Online player hate

I was once told 'go fuck your dad you fucking dad fucker' for asking for help while defending a capture point in Battlefield 2. It was funny at the time, but often it isn't, often it's just infuriating. It just angers me, especially when it is a random explosion of hate for no apparent reason other than immaturity and the thrill of anonymity. I know you can swear, I know you think it makes you clever and I know that you are better than me... just keep it to yourself.

Wait... help! Where's the glowy bit?

5 'The death of PC Gaming'

PC gaming is dying you know... did you not know? Me either! For years we were subject to industry commentators and specialists describing the death of PC Gaming based on a downturn in sales on the platform. I'm not an expert so can't really make comment and what I do say is not necessarily going to be right. But in my head there was always a major problem with this statement. PC Gamer is the driving force of technology, Nvidia and AMD's cards that powered the consoles only existed because of the development within the PC platform. Without PC Gaming, surely console advancement would become aching slow as new gaming hardware was only demanded with each new iteration which can be years apart. Anyway that was a slight tangent. What we have seen in recent years is that the statement 'PC Gaming is dying' is actually not true and the PC has risen again. However it was never the statement itself that pissed me off. It was a fact that there was a worrying drop in numbers within the PC Gaming industry. What really got to me, and still gets to me now as the nay-sayers have not gone away and neither do I think they ever will, was the smugness that enveloped the statement. It was as if the speaker were the one holding the axe and in some way had something to do with the 'death of PC Gaming' and was lauding their own triumph. Now though, it seems it is the turn of the consoles to face the threat of early retirement as the industry doomsday prophets circle the ageing Wildebeests. My thoughts are that PC Gaming will be around a long time, and so will consoles, and also tablets and smart phones. And they will all play an important role within the gaming industry, but those roles might just become more distinct as we start to perfect the cross pollination of multiple platforms.

4 Poor console ports

OK so PC Gaming isn't dying, but it is still treated as the less important slightly nerdy younger brother with acne and a lisp. I'm pretty sure the development meetings go something like this.

'Okay, so we should make a PC version.'

'Awwww shit really? But we will have to make it work with a mouse and keyboard.'

'Nah don't worry about it, most people must have gamepads nowadays. Just make the keyboard buttons work but make the default controls so ludicrously unplayable and the mouse control so uncontrollably aggravating that people just use their gamepad instead.'

'But we will have to change the instructions in the tutorial to suit the mouse and keyboard.'

'Leave it, no-one will notice, PC players are thick as pig shit anyway.'

No, no we are not.

Ohh wait... there it is...

3 Bad Boss Battles

Oooh a big thing, he is like the other big things I have fought but bigger and stronger, invincible in fact. Okay lets try to kill him with the skills my character has gained over the course of this thirty hour game... no, that doesn't seem to work, it just gets me insta-killed. Okay this time I won't try my well tested skills, instead I will run in the room and play in a completely different way, I will go against the traits of my chosen character. Oops, dead again. Okay this time I will definitely succeed, maybe I should try attacking the big glowy bit on  his belly, oh that seems to work, however he only exposes it after he has done that weird roar thing, so I better hide until them. Great it is working, now he is nearly dead, just one more hi... oh, now he has somehow recovered all his health and has changed his attack pattern completely and I'm dead again. This is fun. Fine, this time ill try something really different. Esc, quit, uninstall... ahhh that's fixed it.

2 DRM

Why? What is the point? I want to play my game, let me play my game. The game I bought legitimately. The game I bought legitimately and now can't play because, currently, I'm not connected to the Internet. The pirates are playing, they have cracked your stupid system within a few days of release and are now enjoying the game free from the aggravation of draconian digital rights management. I know you want to protect your product but why punish me? The paying customer? I just want to play the game, but you won't let me! Bastards!

What did we do to deserve this?

1 Games for Windows Live

This is an abomination and should immediately be expelled to whatever pit of hell it was first summoned from.

Disclaimer: This is my list, made up of my opinions. Therefore I do not claim that this is in any way a list representative of the feelings of the wider gaming community or any other person. If you disagree feel free to make your own list. However, do not show your disagreement by explaining why my whole family are whores and why I should give up on life. If you do that, I will simply refer you to number six.

Update: My original post had 'Pirates' at my number nine most hated thing about PC gaming. But something about it gnawed at me. While consistent and unilateral pirating of games annoys me I can't stand on a high horse and pretend that I haven't done it, or that there aren't grey areas that muddy the moral water. In the end I took it out and replaced it with 'Cheaters' because I really understand why people pirate games and anyway I remembered that I hate cheaters, oh I really hate cheaters!